what a horrible night. my friend thinks i'm just pretending to be depressed/bipolar/whatever and faking my ED for attention!!!!! she also thinks that cutting yourself is stupid! whatever. she doesn't understand the pain i feel every day. she doesn't know what real pain and lonelyness even feels like. fuck that stupid bitch. i am so ready to take a hot bath and slit my wrists. between her, that idiot dumping me, and my parents being TOTAL assholes. plus there's school tomorrow. my dad basically called me an ugly slut and says he's praying that the lord will save me or something. my brother won't buy me cigaretts even though i ran out today so i think i'll steal some more of his adderall to get back at him. i pierced my own eyebrow today. it looks awesome. my therapist wants me to do something called dbt or something. what does that even mean? well whatever i'm gonna go and play my cutting playlist and do my nightly cutting before bed. i'm pathetic.

OMG so the guy called me again today and he said he doesn't think we should go out again after all!!!! and the fucker wouldn't even explain why!! what the hell? i mean maybe he was a total jerk but i can't help but blame myself. maybe if i wasn't so fat and hidious he would still want to go out with me... i'm sooooo depressed over this for some reason. i think my mom herd me throw up my lunch. i already cut myself and ruined my favorite shirt but i still want to bleed and watch my sadness drain from my wrists. i feel so alone in this world. there is no place for a fat whore like me. no one loves me anymore. i hate all of my friends. please just let me die already and save me from my pain. i dont want to go on anymore.

well the date went well and he said that he wants to go out with me again. he was really nice and stuff but i think he wants to take things slowly which sucks cuz im not really into that. we talked a lot and i felt really comfortible around him and stuff. like i was telling him about my shitty life and how much i hate my parents and we related a lot and also we're into a lot of the same things... so i guess i will keep seeing him for now but sex is important to me too. :/

i haven't eaten anything today except some baby carrots in front of my mom so that she would think i'm eating. she said i look thinner today and that if i was starving myself that she wishes i wouldnt. UGH fuck off and stop trying to control me all the damn time!!!!!! she even said that i looked better before! what the fuck?? i was a whale!!!!! i lied to her and told her that for my date we went out to dinner so that i wouldn't have to eat at home. it worked!! and i didnt cut myself today so things are going well... all i have to do is make it through the night without eating anything. it's gonna be hard since my parents won't let me do anything. fuck. well me and my friend that i was talking about are fasting for the next week. she's 103 pounds and 2 inches taller than me. i'm 108 right now which is so fucking gross! but i'm glad we'll have each others help. i'm gonna take my dog for a walk around the block so at least i'll be off my fat ass for a bit.

one of my friends is sick of me whining about yujiro all of the time so she is going to set me up with a guy she met at a linkin park concert. we are going to meet tomorrow to see a movie. hopefully he won't take me out to eat after bcuz that would ruin everything. so maybe i'll just distract him with sex. i haven't gotten laid in almost a week and i can't help but feel like it's because of how fat i am. what guy would want me now? ugh. so my mom wouldn't let me go out tonight... UGH what a stupid fat bitch!!!! it sucks because one of yujiro's friends was having a party and i know there would be drugs there. :( if that bitch won't let me go out tomorrow i'll just sneak out or say i'm going to the library or something. i can't wait until school is out because i'm so sick of having to do homework and all the girls at school are total bitches to me. plus my therapist is going to like newark or something for the holidays so i won't have to go see him... THANK GOD!!!!!!!! because he's asking me these weird questions lately, like i swear he knows about my ED :( so he's trying to make me talk about it but i 'm not going to fucking say aything no matter what. i'm not going to let him manipulate me. they all just want me to get fat again. what you want me to be fucking miserable!? FUCK THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

i really wish i had a bf. i miss yujiro so much but since there's probably no chance that he'll ever be mine, i hope things work out with this guy i'm going out with tomorrow. i heard he's into kinky things so maybe i should go along with that?? hmm like i don't know what to do. i just want someone to love me. pretty much every guy i've ever known has turned out to be a total jerk. well something good has come out of this shitty fucking week though. one of my friends came out to me about her ED. she's ana with mia tendences just like me, so we were talking about it a lot online and we're going to fast together! omg this is just what i've been wanting, we're going to encourage each other to lose weight and excersize together! and she won't judge me and try to make me get fat because she understands me unlike everyone else. i'm so happy... i can't wait to start loseing weight again!! i've been looking at lots of thinspo today and i'm more inspired than ever to reach my goal. even though christmas is coming up i know i can stay strong. I CAN DO IT!! and my brother turned 18 this week so he can buy me cigarettes! so happy!! it snowed here a lot so i shoveled the driveway like every morning... i wonder how many calories that burns?? i hope i get a wii fit for christmas. and i still need to take a pregnancy test. :/

um ok so that's basically it. i'll write about how my date goes tomorrow night. think thin everyone!

uuuuuuughhhhhhh i am so mad about people who make fun of me for listening to actual GOOD music like tokio hotel. whatever it's way better than shitty music like metal and stuff.



well i'm allowed back on the computer again. i have been so depressed. it hurts too much to live, every breath i take i feel like i'm getting closer to my death but i never actually die. so i keep suffering. since my last entry here i've only lost 5 pounds. it's so pathetic i want to just die if i can't be thin. i am such a failure. i have no reason to go on anymore because yujiro isn't in my life anymore. for once i find a boy that i know i can spend the rest of my life with who i'm so in love with and then he's taken away from me and i'll probably never be able to see him again. why does the world have to be so cruel?? only he can make me feel whole again. i have never been so in love with a boy before. i know everyone thinks i'm stupid for feeling this way because we barely know each other and all we did was have sex once but i can't help it, i am so empty and alone. i want to die if i can't be with him. all i can do is cut myself and feel the blood flow down my wrists. my "best friend" blocked me on msn today. i had sex with a guy i met yesterday. it was good but i feel so empty now. i need yujiro. i might be pregnate and i kind of hope i am because then at least if i had a baby someone out there would care about me and i wouldn't be alone. it was weird because i went to the mall yesterday to go christmas shopping with my mom and i was looking at baby stuff and it kind of made me want one. if i'm pregnate i hope that yujiro is the father because maybe then we can actually be together forever. that is my wish. if i can't have that then i would like to just die at last.

ugh i haven't been able to update because my parents wont let me go on the computer for anything but homework. it really sucks not being able to look up thinspo and like how many calories were in foods i ate. so i just ate sugar free jello this week mostly, except for yesterday. thanksgiving... UGH. my whole family was there and my mom was watching me really closely because she's suspisious of me now. so i couldn't even go to the bathroom after to throw up so i took laxitivs. i found out that yujiro got sent to a private school :( :( :( omg... i'm so depressed. well i have to go but first here's some reverse thinspo video that my friend showed me.



BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohhhh shit omg i'm so stupid! i was over at my friends house and we were fingering each other and her dad came in the room because the door didn't lock!!!!!!!! omg shit what if he tells my parents and then they'll know i'm sexual active and bi! they would kick me out of the house... ahhhhhh fuck should i like write him a letter or something? shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




also this is kind of embarrising but i think i am turning into a sex addict because all i can think about is doing it. i might bring it up with my therapist but im kind of scared to talk about it. :( i kind of wish i had a boyfriend even though i told myself i didn't want to be in a relationship but i feel like a whore from just sleeping with anyone. oh well. at least it distracts me from eating.

well i got sent home from school because i passed out. the nurse was all like have you eating anything today and stuff. ugh! and then one of my friends saw my notebook with thinspiration in it and was like what's this? well whatever at least i'm out of that shit hole for now but unfortunately i'm stuck here with my mom and she made me eat a sandwich in front of her and i wasn't able to go throw it up :( fuck. so i tried to go for a jog to burn the calories off but she told me i had to stay in bed. uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh. i haven't been able to lose any weight and now i'll probably just GAIN MORE!!!!! story of my shitty motherfucking life! there's a dance at school this friday and i want to go with yujiro but then all my friends will get pissed off at me. so i might just go by myself i dunno. or not go at all because i look like a cow. then again i'd burn more calories there. hmmm. well i have the next few days to decide. some people from school want to get stoned tonight and i really want to but i know i won't be able to control myself after and will eat a TON. :(
well in other news i met a cute boy. but i'm not sure if i can give up on yujiro yet. but it's not like this other guy even knows me or anything. i have to go to therapy in an hour. i reaaaaaally dont want to. i hate my life.

OMG i can't wait to see the twilight movie! i have a very important decision to make though. :/ should i ask yujiro to go with me? i would love to see it with him except i know that if we go together we won't be watching the movie if you know what i mean. or i can just go with my friends. i can't decide. well anyways one of my friends birthdays was today and they just HAD to bring in chocolate cake!!!! my weakness...
so of course i had to eat a ton of it! ugh. i got one of the biggest pieces and then one of my other friends asked if i wanted her piece so i ate that too. FUCK!!!!!!! so i threw it up in the bathroom and when i came back my friend was all suspisious and didn't believe me when i said i was just doing my hair and makeup. i hope she doesn't find out about my ana/mia because i know she'd tell on me and i CANNOT let anyone find out because they'll just make me eat normally again. i am such a fucking fatass i need to fast for at least a week starting tonight. i am determined to lose weight! i cannot mess this up like i do with everything else in my life. i need to do something right for once. I WILL BE THIN AND PERFECT!

thinspirational quotes:
~ One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure, clean shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
~ They always say they're concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse.
~ You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you shall enjoy the twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming empty calories, whether you will cordially despise yourself for two or three days for lack of willpower.
~ THIS IS FOREVER. I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. I WANT TO BE THIN MORE THAN ANYTHING, EVEN FOOD.
~ Every calorie you eat equals another step towards destruction.
~ Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would be thin. It's the hard that makes it great.
~ When you start to feel dizzy and weak, you're almost there.
~ "I had a hole in my heart, so I threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what I ate.
~ Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong, and you'll be better than everyone else
~ An imperfect body reflects an imperfect soul
Craving is only a feeling
~ Everytime you say no to food, you say yes to thin
~ I'm not starving to death I'm starving to beauty
~ Plus size = code for NO SELF RESPECT
~ Thin is a skill I want to be so thin that i can dance between the raindrops in a downpour
~ I'm not yet a winner. I could be thinner. So I must go throw up dinner.
~ I'm not starving myself. I'm perfecting my emptiness.
~ Say it NOW and say it LOUD, I'm ANEREXIC and I'm PROUD!
~ Hunger is your friend and it won't betray you like food.
~ I have a rule when I weigh myself if I've gained, I starve for the rest of the day. But if I've lost, I starve too
~ Empty is pure, starving is the cure
~ Let your bones define the beauty of your body
~ I want to be as pure as water. I want to float on air. I want to see the bones everywhere. I want to hear that I’m too thin and have you lost weight. I want Ana to make me what I want to be: skinny



<img src="http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/bar053/slider-scaleyellow/lb/110/85/115.png" border="0">(SO DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!)

well i really wanted to go out with yujiro last night but i couldn't get a hold of him and i haven't been able to since our sexy night together. :( i wish he would talk to me. i am so empty without him and feel like i'm nothing. :( my friend thinks he's already sleeping with other girls. she's just a jealous bitch though and she doesnt know anything so fuck her. and this morning my parents made me go to church with them. ugh. well at least there were hot boys there. :) one of them was flirting with me but i didn't get the chance to talk to him or anything. omg i hate my parents sooooooooooo much. i totally want to move out. i wish i could live with yujiro that would be the best! but i'll settle for living in my ffriends basement if i can. or i could just run away with yujiro and it would be like a fairy tail or something!! well i ran out of cigarettes this morning... it sucks. ugh. and my mom saw one of the hickies on my neck and asked what it was so i was like FUCK and then just told her it was from the vacuum cleaner.
also i've gained like 5 pounds this week! seriously!!!!!!!! OMG! i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed off. i only binged like twice and i threw up both times so what the hell why am i gaining so much weight?? even my baggiest clothes feel tight on me now. my psychatrist says it might be the zyprexa but she won't take me off it because she says it's the best thing for me. so i tried to just not take it lastnight but my mom found out so now i'm screwed because she's going to make sure i take them every day from now on! FUCK. what do i do now?

OMG AS IF MY DAY COULDNT GET ANY WORSE!!! all the girls in my school are making fun of me saying i'm disgusting and probably have stds. FUCK THEM theyre just jealous haters even my friends hate me now well i don't need any of them. it's just me and my baby against the world. that's all i need. i hate my parents too. and myself because i binged again tonight. so much for my fast. my stupid mom had to make brownies so i ate like half of them. UGH. FUCK THIS FUCK LIFE FUCK EVERYTHING. time for the blades.

my friends all think it was stupid of me to have sex with yujiro and that he has no interest in me he only wants me because everyone knows i'm a dumb whore. i was so hurt by their words so i cut myself really badly during gym class and cried. :( im trying not to care what they think but we're supposed to be bffs and they all think i'm just a stupid slut. yeah i'm really depressed today because my parents are threatening to send me to a wilderness camp or whatever for bad kids. they think i need to haev a better relationship with the lord or something. theysaid my family is praying for me. whatever. my mom is pissed off because she found a condom in my backpack. what the fuck it's not even mine! like i'd actually use a condom. ugh. yujiro wasnt at school today that maed me really sad i wanted to see him soooooo bad. my friends dont want me to have anything to do with him because he sleeps with a lot of people and does crystal meth. well they just don't know the real him and that he is very sweet. they probably are just saying this stuff cuz they want him for themselves. theyre the dumb whores. fuck them. fuck life. i hate everything. :(

hell yeah!

haha well the bad news is that my parents are SOOOOO pissed off at me for being out past cerfew last night but the goodnews is WHO THE FUCK CARES i had the best night of my whoooooole life with yujiro!!! i told myself i wouldn't fall for any boys for awhile but he's making it so hard. :( okay well we sort of borrowed my friends yellow jeep wrangler. and neither of us have a license but since were both total badasses we drove it anyways. we were driving around talking and smoking and ended up on the taconic parkway and then our urges got the best of us. :) hehe. so we like pulled over and had the best sex EVER! and before i went out with him last night i decided to become a born again virgin because of that episode on degrassi where someone did a purification cerimony or whatever so that i could lose my new virginity to yujiro... and it was awesome to say the least. haha well my mom is making me get off the computer to do my homework so i'll update again when i get the chance.

i <3 yujiro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ooooooommmmmmmggggg so happy!! yujiro messaged me on myspace and wants to meet up tonight! i already picked out my outfit. not like it matters because i'll hopefully be taking it off haha. at least i'll be wearing my sexiest pair of underware ;) i hope he likes them. holy shit i'm so happy that the boy i've liked for like forever is actually interested in me! he's soooooo sexy. i just hope he doesnt notice those ugly scars and cuts i have all over me. especially the one with his name right next to my boob lol. :( hopefully he'll find it flattering and not creepy haha. oooooooh well. i also hope that he doesn't take me out to eat or something because that would ruin my fast. but i have a feeling that food will be the last thingon our minds if you know what i mean haha. ;) okay time to go get ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! SO HAPPY!!!!!!!

omg yesterday at school i saw yujiro in the hallway and he smiled at me!!! OMG! it made me melt. he has such a cute smile lol. and today i finally got the guts to go talk to him. i asked him if he had a cigarette. and he asked me if i had a mirror in my pocket because he could see himself in my pants! that is probably one of the sweetest thing any boy has ever said to me. then my stupid bitch friend came over and interrupted our conversation. ugh i was so mad i was like fuck off you dumbass whore. then yujiro said he had to go. :( fuck. tomorrow i think he will definately ask me out or whatever. yay! oh yeah and i'm not grounded anymore because i flirted with my math teacher and all of the sudden i'm passing again! OMG!!!!! i'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!! and i started my cellery fast today and it's going well so far. hopefully i'll lose weight and be even sexier for yujiro ;) time for a jog! think thin everyone!!!

oh my god what have i done!? i totally regret what i did today. my brother found out and now he's threatening to tell my parents everything that i was hoping they'd never find out. fuck i'm sooooooo screwed what do i do?? i'm so scared i already binged on ice cream and doritoes and i'll probably wake up tomorrow even fatter than i already am. i hate myself. and i cut myself really bad... and i wrote yujiro's name in a heart on my stomach and then carved things like fat and slut all over myself too. i've been listening to evanscence a lot becaues the lyrics represent how i feel 24/7. my life is such a fucking mess right now it's not even funny. all i can think about is how much i wish i was dead. nobody understands me anymore. and i don't want to live in this fat ugly body anymore. and to make things worse i think i'm pregnate but i don't know for sure. no matter how much i bleed it's never enough... there's a bottle of tylenol next to me i just want to swallow them all and never wake up again. i hate my fucking life.

i feel it creeping sinking inside again
makeing its home my head
my darkest angel your needed at a time like this
i need your words to mellow me
im shakeing in fear
i see a monster in the moirro
looking back at this ugly thing
save me
my eyes are growing heavy
my being growing weak
your so far
yet we're so close
darkness is trying to consume all of me
i sit in silents
with a blank stare upon my face
they all see somethings wrong
but i say nothing
cause i dont even fully know what it is
but i need you in a time like this
i just hope this wont make me disbelieve
it plays me like im its puppet
pullen me twisten me beaten me
i need your reasurence
that im ok that you love me
an that you still need me too
i can't fight alone i need you at myside
please say your gonna help me
i love you so i know im still feeling
i miss you so i know i can still long
i need your words i need your voice
i need your face to erase this demon
i cant wait till your arms hold me so you can make this darkness leave me

wow so i think i really like yujiro now. but he doesn't know i exist at the moment. :( he will soon though i think. hehe. well okay... so my brother had one of his friends over this morning and he happens to know yujiro. and my brother always told me about how his friend thinks i'm cute and stuff. well for like an hour we were the only ones in the house and we started talking and then he ended up haveing sex. so now i'm hoping that this guy will tell yujiro about how good i was and then maybe he'll want to sleep with me too! after that
i had to see that psychiatrist. her name was pat creighton and she put me on something called zyprexa. i don't know what it is but she seemed to think it was some kind of miracle drug. can you get high off of it is what i'm wondering... lol! when my mom picks it up from the drugstore i'll try to. but anyways, the psychatrist asked to see my arms and if i was sexual active. i don't know what that had to do with anything but whatever. she seems nice enough. i still dont know if i'm really bipolar or whatever though. i'm sooooo hungry but i'm not going to eat anything today to make up for the food that i'm gonna have to eat tomorrow. :( i'll probably just eat a salad at the birthday party or something. i just hope i don't lose my self control and eat anything else. wish me luck. my mom said that if i did my essay for english today then i could go out with my friends tomorrow. :) so i just found a similar essay on the internet and copied that one lol. that was easy enough. that bicurous girl i talked about here might be around tomorrow. so we'll see what happens there. :) right now my graandma is visiting. she's watching a laurence welk marathon downstairs so i probably won't be able to watch tv today. :( i'm going to add yujiro on myspace but i'm SOOOOOO nervous oh my god. i changed my default picture to a really sexy one of me so hopefully he'll like it hehe. okay i'm gonna go for a jog now to burn some calories hopefully. byebye.

well that crisis i talked about during the last entry is solved. i think. well it's a long story. but basically... i found out that he got drunk and had a threesome with two girls from my school!!! holy shit i got so pissed off i was all like fuck you asshole and then i dumped him. i can't believe i ever liked him! so now i'm single again. i don't think i want to be in a real relationship for awhile though. guys are such assholes. well there's this girl i know who i think is bicurious and i was flirting with her today. but my friends all thing it's gross that i'm bi. i hate that they judge me so much why can't they just accept me for who i am? and my parents are religious and if they found out they would probably kick me out of the house or something. also there's a guy who i've wanted to be with forever. his name is yujiro and he's asian. i've always thought asians were exotic and stuff. i don't know if i havve a chance though. he had sex with one of my friends once in her car so who knows. he's kind of rebellious and has a bad reputation which i think is really sexy. :) i'm going to start talking to him on myspace. ugh i'm so bored because my parents are forbidding me to see my friends or go anywhere. it sucks soooooo much and when i get bored i tend to binge. so i've been listening to tokio hotel all night and looking at thinspiration. i'm going crazy!!!!!! and tomorrow i have an appointment with a psychatrist. my therpist said that he thinks i should go on lithium or something. like in that awesome evanescence song. then i can be like amy lee, my idol! i want to get high. i'm gonna go try to steal someof my brothers adderol. hehe. :) i'm so bad.

so my friend... or should i say EX friend is still mad at me. she's trying to spread more rumers about me at school like she's saying i'm a dumb whore and stuff to the entire school and that i'll sleep with anyone! what a fucking jealous ass bitch. but the thing is that lately more people than ever want to sleep with me and stuff! i was alone with this cute older guy who's really popular and he was trying to get me to suck his dick LOL!!!! and i probably would have except someone else walked in right after. :( and lots of other boys who i never thought i'd have a chance with want me to do stuff with them. it's weird but hey i'm not complaining. :) i like the attention so whatever. but it's really hard to stay faithfel to my baby. i love him so much but i just don't know if im ready for a commitment yet. im so confused because he is the sweetest boy i have ever known and the sex is really good but what if he's not "the one" or whatever? plus it's not like my parents let me go out with him anyways. and if we did break up it would give me the chance to experiment more with girls which i've been wanting to do. i'm also really depressed because i have no self control and keep gaining weight. today i totally binged on chips and then my friend offered me a cupcake so i ate it because i'm a stupid fat ass bitch. ugh. so i went to the bathroom and threw it up but barely any of it came up. FUCK. i want to go on a fast for the next week or so but ihave to go to a birthday party for my cousin this weekend and with all the food there i know i'm gonna end up eating like a fucking cow and even if i didnt there'd be so many people there that they would make me eat anyways. i got some laxitivs though so hopefully those will help. i look disgusting right now i can't handle it anymore. :( my thighs are touching again i wish i could just cut them off or something. it's so gross. okay well i'm gonna go figure out what to do about stevie. i'll probably update alot this weekend since i'm not allowed to see my friends or my baby. :((